Warning: This article was written as an April Fools gag and is therefore filled with complete nonsense.
One of the oldest
and most well-known features of dinosaurs was their extraordinary thickness.
This is because it is one of the most easily readable features of their
skeleton. The thickness, in scientific terms called Robustus stultus, of
a dinosaur can be easily determined by measuring the diameter of the
caudopygidium bone of the hip. Contrary to popular belief, it was not the teeth
that were the first discovered fragments of Iguanodon, but rather its
caudopygidium. This fact was however kept secret by Gideon Mantell for over 30
years, as he believed that: “Nobody would have believed the Lord was capable of
creating a magnificent beast of such robust girth and allow it to go extinct.
What a waste of beauty.” (Mantell 1853). As he revealed the secret on his
deathbed, Richard Owen declared that a reptile can only be considered a
dinosaur if it has erect legs, five fused sacral vertebrae and its
caudopygidum’s diameter measures at least 30 centimeters, famously defending
this choice by saying: “I like big saurians and I may not lie”(Owen 1893). This
discovery he also used to counteract the Darwinian notion of evolution being a
survival of the fittest and instead proposing that it was a survival of the
thickest. With this began the search for the dinosaur possessing the widest Robustus
stultus, culminating in the North American Bone Wars, during which O.C. Marsh
and E.D. Cope fought tooth and nail to find the dinosaur with the widest
caudopygidium bone (giving the war its name). Both claimed to have discovered
the thickest dinosaurs, with Cope having named Camarasaurus supremus
(the supremus referring to the 1 m thickness of the caudopygidium) and
Marsh describing Stegosaurus (thought to have had a brain in each Gluteus maximus alone just to handle all that girth). But they were
both deceived, for an even thicker dinosaur was found by Barnum Brown. Said
dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus rex, was declared king of the dinosaurs not
because of its height, but because it had the largest caudopygidium of any
lifeform known at that point. Dinosaurs with an even bigger Robustus stultus
have however been discovered since then, all curiously coming from Bad
Segeberg.
With such a
dynamic history, it should come to no surprise that the topic of dinosaur
thickness has also found its way into paleoart. In this post I therefore want
to present the ten most classic and accurate examples of dinosaur-thickness.
1.
Gorgosaurus,
by Zdeněk Burian
 |
Fig. 1 |
Here we see the Cretaceous tyrannosaurid Gorgosaurus
attacking two Styracosaurus. There exist three different versions of
this piece, one from 1948, one from 59 and this one here from 61. Each time
Burian made sure to make the hindquarters of the theropod thicker and more
defined than before in order to be as accurate to the caudopygidium bone as
possible. With each iteration the Styracosaurus at the back also comes closer, presumably to admire the girth of those thunder thighs.
2.
Vulcanodon,
by John Sibbick
 |
Fig. 2. |
Behold the pinnacle of thickness, which is Vulcanodon.
As we can see here, the artist John Sibbick chose to depict this dinosaur
according to the German motto “Wer schön sein will muss leiden” (He who wants
to be beautiful has to suffer). Just look at that sad face. It reminds me of my
header-image of the sprawling Heinrich Harder Diplodocus, which seems to
smile through the joint-pain.
3.
Agathaumas
by Charles R. Knight
 |
Fig. 3. |
Agathaumas is a totally real, valid genus of ceratopsian
dinosaur discovered in 1872, here reconstructed by classic artist and
bonsai-tree-collector Charles R. Knight. While Knight was at first often
reluctant to give dinosaurs their proper girth, he was convinced by concept
after subscribing to Owen’s “survival of the thickest” concept. Here we see him
depict the then novel concept of dinosaurs not just being massive, but also
possessing armored thickness in order to protect their hardly gained Robustus
stultus.
4.
Gourmand,
by Dougal Dixon
 |
Fig. 4. |
Ganeosaurus
tardus, also called the
Gourmand, is not a real dinosaur, but rather a thought-experiment of what a
tyrannosaur might look like if it lived today. According to its creator, the
thickness of dinosaurs was gradually increasing towards the end of the
Cretaceous, so if they had not died out they may have perfected their Robustus
stultus to an unprecedented degree. To make space for and maintain such a
high thickness, however, the animal would have had to get rid of useless organs and been constantly eating protein-rich food. This is why the
Gourmand has lost its forelimbs and is depicted here engaging in the highly
nutritious act of eating ass.
5.
Gorgosaurus,
again by Zdeněk Burian
 |
Fig. 5. |
Burian, it seems,
was irresistible to the caudoypgidium-diameter of Gorgosaurus, which is
why he produced more than one piece of the theropod, seen here attacking the
ankylosaurid Scolosaurus (in an earlier sketch of this piece it is Edmontonia).
What Burian depicted here is the most accepted hypothesis for the dinosaur’s
extinction: Its haunch and belly were so girthy (likely to attract
mates) that the animal had trouble bending down to feed or drink, just like me
after the holidays. This makes Gorgosaurus a prime example of
overspecialization. Look at that smug look on that Scolosaurus’ face. It
knows that the fatass cannot reach it.
6.
Triceratops,
by Jean Zallinger
 |
Fig. 6. |
Tired of all the
talk about thick dinosaurs, American paleontologist Roy Chapman Andrews wanted
to instead explore the origin of human thickness. For this, however, the dolt
did not go to Africa, but to Mongolia instead in search for the missing link
between human- and baboon-butts. He was to be disappointed, as he instead found
many more thick dinosaurs. Instead of admitting his failure to find the missing
link, he made a career out of being a dinosaur-expert, pretending to have always
been searching for dinosaur bones in Mongolia. He went on to write several dino
books aimed at children, one of which, In the Days of the Dinosaurs was
illustrated by Jean Zallinger, who had an extraordinary fondness of plus-size
ceratopsians it seems.
7. Tyrannosaurus, by Rudolph Zallinger
 |
Fig. 7. |
Rudy here was the
husband of the famous Jean Zallinger, though his only notable work is a very
obscure mural called The Age of Reptiles. Why it is so unknown is hard
to say, as it is notable for most detailedly depicting the accurate amount of
thickness of the mighty Tyrannosaurus. Perhaps he was
simply ahead of his time.
8.
Parasaurolophus,
by John Conway
 |
Fig. 8. |
Here we have John
Conway once and for all proving that dinosaurs can also be thick in modern
paleoart. It was made for the book Thick Yesterdays in which the author
attempted to counteract the ongoing trend of slimming down dinosaurs in
paleoart. The overall motto was: “Real dinosaurs have curves”. His co-author Nemo Ramjet produced even thicker dinosaurs, which
I cannot show here for censorship reasons. Think of the children!
9.
Euoplocephalus,
by Gregory S. Paul
 |
Fig. 9. |
Much like Knight,
Paul was into more slim dinosaurs, but even he could not resist the attraction
of a thick ankylosaur. “I regret nothing”, were his last words before he lumped
this genus into the same as Nodosaurus and reclassified all of Thyreophora
as a subgroup of glyptodonts.
10. Iguanodon, by Benjamin Waterhouse Hawkins
 |
Fig. 10. |
Here we have the
original and to this day still most scientifically accurate reconstruction of Iguanodon.
Hawkins took great care to accurately model how the fat-rolls would bend and stretch
as the animal lied on its belly. This was actually a very dangerous act, as
Owen cautioned the artist to not sculpt the fat too accurately, as the prude Victorian
society of the time was not yet ready for such a brash display of thickness. Hawkins
did not listen and got away with it in the British Crystal Palace. However,
when he tried doing the same in the planned Paleozoic Museum of the New Yorker
Central Park, the even pruder society of 19th century America would not have it
and all his models were demolished with sledge-hammers by famous creationist mobster
William Magear Tweed. They were just not ready for the thickness yet.
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Literary
Sources:
- Andrews, Roy Chapman: In the Days of the Dinosaurs, New York 1959.
- Conway, John/Kosemen, C.M./Naish, Darren: All Yesterdays. Unique and Speculative Views of Dinosaurs and Other Prehistoric Animals, UK 2012.
- Dixon, Dougal: The New Dinosaurs. An Alternative Evolution, London 1988.
- Mantell, Gideon: May the Lord forgive me for what I am about to do, London 1853.
- Norman, David: The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Dinosaurs, London 1985.
- Owen, Richard: On the thickness of fossil reptiles, London 1893.
- Schalansky, Judith: Die Verlorenen Welten des Zdeněk Burian, Berlin 2013 (Naturkunden 8).
- Volpe, Rosemary: The Age of Reptiles. The Art and Science of Rudolph Zallinger’s Great Dinosaur Mural at Yale, New Haven 2007.
- White, Steve: Dinosaur Art. The World’s Greatest Paleoart, London 2012.
Online
Sources:
Image Sources:
- Fig. 1: Schalansky 2013, p. 134-135.
- Fig. 2: Norman 1985, p. 92.
- Fig. 3: Wikimedia
- Fig. 4: Dixon 1988, p. 75.
- Fig. 5: Schalansky 2013, p. 138-139.
- Fig. 6: Andrews 1959, p. 57.
- Fig. 7: Volpe 2007, foldout.
- Fig. 8: Conway 2012, p. 51.
- Fig. 9: White 2012, p. 39.
- Fig. 10: Tetrapod Zoology
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant article. I had to look up Agathaumas since the genus was new to me, and can't help sharing this charming sketch by none other than E.D. Cope:
ReplyDeletehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agathaumas#/media/File:Cope_sketch_Agathaumas.png
The poor individual seems to suffer from hyperthyroidism, resulting in a pronounced goitre and the loss of most of its thickness.
That "Gourmand" is like a snake with legs.
ReplyDeleteIt is the stuff of nightmares.